"I didn't come from a home that had drinking as a part of it. I had two loving parents and I grew up feeling loved, valued and cherished. In 2003, though, I had 3 major events happen, that literally left me paralyzed to cope with life.

I had some friends who drank wine from time to time, so one night I decided to drink some too. It was during this time that I discovered the wonderful numbing effects of alcohol. It quickly became the "Calgon, take me away," solution to my emotional pain.

I was a late bloomer to drinking, but I took to it like a sailor to water. If I was out with a friend who drank, they would say, why don't you just have one? "One?? Why would I bother?" I'd think to myself. I wanted to "feel it." The fact is once I had that first drink, a phenomenon of craving more would kick in. During the day, I would obsess about it and couldn't wait until after work to get some to take home. At times, I wondered if I was an alcoholic, but, I hadn't lost my job, my home or my family. I didn't live under a bridge. I had a picture in my head of what I thought an alcoholic looked like, and I didn't fit that.

Drinking wasn't a part of my married/family life, so I became very creative at planning, sneaking and hiding my drinking. It was actually quite exhausting! I didn't want my double life being exposed, so it also produced a lot of anxiety, (one of the biggest reasons I started drinking in the first place!)

Over the years, I found that my drinking increased. What use to be a solution to emotional pain, became a reward for hard work, celebrations and then, for no reason at all, except I couldn't wait to have it! Going to the liquor store was elating!! In the evenings at home, I would disguise my drinks so I thought my spouse wouldn't know what I was doing. Many mornings I would wake up with such fear and anxiety as I couldn't remember how the previous evening had ended. I would wonder how I even got to bed. I was sooo afraid to face my spouse. I'm not sure why I thought I was so clever, because most of the time, it was very obvious to my spouse and those around me, what I had been doing!

It was such insanity! Drinking...waking up in regret...vowing to stop...only to pick up again one or two days later. I ruined many holidays, times out with friends and family. I caused great insecurity and sadness with my children and spouse.

At one point, after one of these unfortunate times, I decided to go to Alcoholics Annonymous. I got a sponsor who with another person, took me through the steps. It was there I learned that I had an illness that I had no control over. Regrettably, I didn't follow the suggested 3 parts of the solution to my problem and went back out to drink.

Finally, after one of the worst of my regretful evenings, I woke up and heard bits and pieces from my spouse, about what had happened the night before with some treasured friends. I made a decision that I was too embarrassed to face them and that my family would be better off without me. I was filled with self-hatred and loathing. I couldn't seem to stop this endless cycle. I felt like the worst kind of failure. I decided right then and there that I had to end my life. It was an impulsive decision that almost worked. I ended up in the ICU for a few days because my heart was trying to stop. While there I had an amazing spiritual experience with God...the same God I came to know as a child. He surrounded me with His love and peace and the assurance that everything was going to be okay.

I left there and went to a Recovery Center. There, I was able to press the reset button on my life. When I returned AA was waiting. This was well over a year ago and my life has changed 180 degrees. Today, I am very involved in AA. I follow the program daily. I have made ammends to my family and friends. Each day, Irely heavily on my higher power, God, and am growing spiritually. The obsession to drink has been removed. I attend AA meetings on zoom, sponsor others and enjoy taking them through the steps.

Today I live with peace, serenity and joy. God, through the program, is taking the wreckage of my past and turning it into something beautiful and useful for His purposes."

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