Our Stories

I absolutely had no idea that my drinking was a problem. I drank like most of the people around me. I thought it was normal. Enter drugs. Back in my using days, I didn't have a drug "problem." Instead, I had a drug "solution." Drugs were how I coped. And when you took those drugs away from me, that's when I had problems. Serious problems.

Whatever pain I had, whatever feelings of discord, whatever trauma and issues I was hiding, running from, or treating for years... they were all exposed when you took the drugs away.

When I actually left the substance alone u2014 whether I had sworn it off or been removed from it u2014 I didn't react the way I thought I would. I did not feel "normal." In fact, I felt the exact opposite. Life was overwhelmingly unmanageable.u00a0

Recovery isn't just about putting an end to something. Things don't just become glorious.u00a0

Let's look at the definition of recovery:

1. a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.

2. the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.

Based on my experience, the second definition is more accurate when it pertains to this topic. In order to "regain possession or control of something stolen or lost" (or given away) I must find it. In the early days of "recovery", I could barely see the light through the fog! What I did know was that I was hurt, broken, lost and trying to find a new way. In other words...trying to find a new solution.u00a0

Without a new, concrete solution to start building my foundation on, I knew I was going to eventually crumble again. By looking at what was actually lost... my fundamental needs (physical, mental, and spiritual) I was able to begin the journey into recovery. It wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but here is what I filled those fundamental needs with.

Physical: medical detox and psychiatric ward, exercise and healthy eating have been critical for me

Mental: in-patient treatment, anti-depressants, counselling, 12-Step program

Spiritual: A higher power. My best thinking took me to rock bottom. I needed something greater than myself to believe in. At first it was the universe and nature. Now I have God.u00a0

Everyone's path to addiction is different, just like everyone's journey into recovery will be different. This is what worked for me. There is no better day than today. The longer we continue using the "old solution", the worse things become and... brace yourself... we will likely die.

There is a way.

There is hope.

Please reach out and someone from OCJ will be there to help you find your new solution.

"Many of us resemble the drug addict in our ineffectual efforts to fill in the spiritual black hole, the void at the center, where we have lost touch with our souls, our spirit... with those sources of meaning and value that are not contingent or fleeting. Our consumerist, acquisition-, action-, and image-mad culture only serves to deepen the hole, leaving us emptier than before" - Gabor Matu00e9

A Journey from Empty to Full

Over the last 6 years of being in recovery from substance addiction and various behavioural addictions, I have had time to reflect on how I got here. For many, many years I was trying to fill the emptiness I always felt with outside possessions and material items. I tried work, electronics, houses, relationships, vehicles, holidays, booze, and finally drugs. Everything seemed to work momentarily, but that hollow, empty feeling inevitably returned.

It wasn't until I got into recovery that I was introduced to spirituality. Now I'm not talking religion, but with the help of others, we started to explore spirituality. I was soon able to connect past events with something more than just luck. There was no way I was simply just "lucky" to have avoided death so many times, especially after attempting to die by suicide more than once. It was at that point I was able to conclude there was a power greater than myself at work in my life. This is where things got tricky for me though! What was this power? How do I put my faith into something I can't see or touch?

Initially I was comfortable believing it was the universe guiding me. That was my higher power and it stayed like that for 4 years. I would turn my will over to this higher power and follow the signs and directions that were being presented to me. By asking for guidance and then focusing on the present moments, eventually I would recognize a sign or a feeling and explore it further. I was staying open-minded and willing to trying new ways of thinking and living because my old way of thinking and reacting got me into some very hellacious situations.

Around November of 2019, I attended Hillcrest Church with my partner for the first time. It was during that service that the pastor mentioned a few things that resonated with me. Now I'm not saying that I've read the entire bible or can quote any scripture, but I can say that the power of that morning has stuck with me ever since. I continued attending the next couple weeks with an open mind and received messages that I was sure were intended specifically for me! It was after the third weekend I started to understand that HE has been with me my entire life, I just wasn't ready to see (or believe) that.

Today, I know that I'm never alone again and I never have to experience that emptiness. I have fellowship, I have close friends which I care deeply for, and I have Him. I am never going to be someone who pushes God on anyone, but thought I would share what has FINALLY filled that void in MY life. Following His will for me and helping others has changed my life forever!

"I am the youngest child of three and since I can remember I have been seeking everyone's approval so that I could feel comfortable being myself. I'll be honest the younger years of my life (up to age I don't really recall a lot. I know that my parents fought constantly until they finally divorced when I was five. We became a split home and very dysfunctional. My oldest sister went to live with my grandparents, my brother went to my alcoholic father and I stayed with my mentally ill mother. She was by far the least equipped to pass on any useful tools for dealing with life. I lost her to a suicide overdose at age 24. I know that dishonesty and resentments were the most predominant defects in my household. I learned this dishonest behavior at an early age. It became acceptable and a tool which became very useful to become an amazing actor in life. You see as an actor I could put on a show to get the reaction out of you which fed my desire to be accepted. It became my earliest addiction. The more common terminology is manipulation. I am now 43 years old and this has been by far the hardest of all my addictions to understand and be aware of. Even in sobriety I quiet often use it to feed my ego and paint a picture for you that my life is great... I have everything together... allow me to help and show you... forgetting this is not a real sense of self. It is not a real sense of integrity. It is more deception. It is ignorance of emotion and true honesty with others.

I developed many substance abuse addictions very quickly after my mother's suicide. I tried different treatment centers and programs with a half desire to stop but a larger desire for consequences of them to go away. I wanted to learn a form of control which I could only do for brief moments in the following years. I transferred addictions all the while having a sense of self that could never be filled. No matter how hard I tried through relationships, through materialism, through social status I was always left feeling empty. Ironically, it seemed the more achievements I made, the emptier I felt. I was afraid and defeated with an overwhelming sense of impending doom.

Finally at age 39 the greatest thing happen to me although it sure didn't seem like it at the time. I was beaten down to the point of surrendering everything I thought worked for me and I felt enough pain and despair that I actually reached out for help. I found people who felt like I did, who thought like I did and for the first time of my life, I felt real acceptance and approval for who I was. Just knowing I was not alone and seeing what they were doing to manage these things in their own lives gave me hope that there was an answer for me too.

"I still struggle from time to time as that is part of the human experience but I have a community of people who help me and want nothing from me in return. If this message resonates with you please reach out because you're not alone. There are solutions and we can live wonderful lives with a true sense of purpose and real integrity without having to put on some act. The first and most important decision you will make is to just reach out. God Bless you all."

If this person's story resonates with you, please message us and we can put you in contact with this individual. You are not alone.

"Growing up and only child in a home with an alcoholic mother and alcoholic father was at times very lonely, very scary and a whole lot chaotic. I remember very well how sad and scared I was. sitting in my room, in the dark... late at nite on school nites.. wishing they would turn down the music, or ask their friends to leave .. quit letting people in. It was party mode in my home every night of the week. Blaring music and a lot of booze. At the age of eight is when the first time my parents had asked me to join in .. in a way. Asked me to smoke a cigarette with them ,sitting on the couch. I lit the smoke and immediately started to cough. That was when I was first taught to inhale. Then came my very own glass of wine. And that was the beginning of a whole new world. From then on it was just the norm for me to smoke with them, drink with them and be part of the parties. As I got older, my friends would come over and be given alcohol and smokes .. my house was the party house. It was fun. Everyone was jealous of my life. I had no rules. None. By the time I was 14 I had used probably every drug you can think of. And I was hooked. I loved them all. One thing I always knew was that a drank and used differently then my friends. I would black out, make terrible choices , get arrested, got into many fights. Every single time I picked up that first drink... hell broke loose. I was just like them. I was just like my parents. Never had I seen them sober past 4 pm. Never. My mother would perform sexual acts with men openly in the home .. while my father was passed out from a booze coma. Men would be everywhere in my house. I spent most of my time with friends. Friends were my family. I couldn't get over how calm and at peace their homes were. But I was the girl, that no ones parents really liked their child to be with. I tried to spend most of my time away from my house. Away from my parents. The chaos was incredibly traumatic. One night at the age of 16 ,and another night of more heavy drinking my father and mother got into a pretty awful fight. My dad had found out my mom was sleeping with a 22 year old. He was wasted.. angry and already mentally sick. He grabbed a shot gun and in a split second pulled the trigger. And took his life. My life was never the same after that day. I left home. Fast forward more traumatic years of hard dark addiction. Got pregnant at 17 and ended up In a very abusive marriage. I was isolated, physically, sexually and emotionally abused. I was now living in a whole new nightmare. And. I was alone. I was caring for two small children. I drank and drank every day. To numb the pain. At that point I felt entitled to drink or use. I earned it. My life had been shit from birth. And that's all I thought I deserved. I had multiple suicide attempts. Some very serious ones. Some Overdoses, psych wards and rehabs. I just felt defeated. Drinking and drugging was my solution. My mother to this day, 37 years later is deeper and deeper into her disease of alcoholism and I'm everyday, every minute .. fighting to battle this demon that destroys and takes everything from you. There was no platform back then as a scared 14 year old girl. Or even 25 year old girl. Back then, I had no idea where to start, to even ask for help. I prayed everyday social services would come for me. Now there is. Don't feel alone. Not for one minute. Because someone, somewhere out there understands your pain. Today. I don't want to Kill myself. Today I don't want to drink. I am able to find peace and safety. I choose to be sober today so my family doesn't have to suffer that pain. I love them more then anything in this world. And sobriety allows me to keep them. My daughters and sons will never have to couch surf, or cry themselves to sleep, or be afraid to be at home. Share your story. You can save a life. Reach out. You can save your life."