Our Stories

I am sharing a message of hope today for a world wracked by anxiety and fear, both of which can only lead to deep feelings of depression. I have had much experience with these feeling during a lifetime of addiction and living with the effects of the disease. I often get asked " why are you so happy today?". I have found happiness by learning how to have peace with the past and I find the acceptance of the that, once I experienced this moment, it is now the past. I learned about the value and ability to accept and live with the past through membership in 3 different recovery programs. The peace I have today, when I look back, was not just rooted in acceptance but in a profound belief that it was truly the grace of the God of my understanding and the deep love from this God that made my experience possible. This understanding started in a very simple way with the knowledge that I have only ever had to suffer in life for as long as it took to realize I needed to change. So by understanding that the universe isn't really against me, I was able to break out of the trauma and victimization that was keeping me in active addiction with and without substance. For the past few years I have been extremely grateful that, although I am unable to change the past, the present has changed the way I look at the past. I can't change the grief of lost family members and friends due to the disease of addiction but, I can change how I act about it today. There was truly relevance and meaning to all of my life experiences that have enabled me to live and even thrive to this day. My hope for you is if you are suffering with yesterdays, just know you are not alone. My path out was truly spiritual at its core and if that is not available to you, my hope is that you are able to find it through another just like you who loves you enough to share their hope. My desire today is to help others find freedom from their pasts by seeing it's blessing in the present. I am truly grateful for the grace of my higher power and the love of all peoples in the programs that continue to help others.

Thanks for my recovery.

Please reach out, you are not alone!

TO ANYONE STRUGGLING WITH ADDICTIONS AND/OR MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. I LOVE YOU, RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE AND YOU'RE WORTH THE WORK. I SPENT APPROXIMATELY 26 YEARS OF MY LIFE USING SUBSTANCES TO COPE WITH MY ISSUES.

• -1628 Days ago I decided not use Alcohol/Cocaine/Etc.
• -310 Days ago I decided not to use Cigarettes
• -180 Days ago I decided to not use Marijuana
• -537 Days ago I accepted my mental health issue and the required treatments to manage my mental health.

While under the influence of all the above chemicals, I was very unhealthy, unstable and unhappy. As the years went by I realized these chemicals I used where only symptoms of the real issues I was trying to escape. To name a few: trauma, abandoned issues, low self esteem, insecurities, codependency, untreated mental health issues and mainly a unwillingness to accept that all these issues needed to be accepted & treated for me to recover. Recovery isn't easy by any means, life still happens, I have lost friends, family, jobs, my right to have visitation with my children, etc. life doesn't magically become fair just because I am sober. It is life after all, Regardless I wake up grateful and happy everyday, I always see new possibilities for growth and success no matter my situation. I decided to change by asking for assistance and by doing the work to the best of my ability. This started the lengthy healing process, which eventually gave me the ability let go of my past trauma, accept life's difficulties and enjoy a life without drugs and unhealthy behaviour. I REALIZE I WAS DIFFICULT TO HELP AT TIMES, SO A HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL THE RESOURCES/PEOPLE THAT ASSISTED ME IN THIS JOURNEY, TO NAME A FEW. The 12 step groups, smart recovery, Leave a Light Project, Our Collective Journey, various religious groups, physiatrists, psychotherapists, sponsors, law enforcement, friends and family. I appreciate everyone who took part in this difficult and rewarding process.

Please reach out, you are not alone!

"I grew up a teenage daughter of a mother who suffered from severe depression which resulted in an opioid addiction as a means of coping. This then resulted in the death of my mother after many attempts over the years of suicide she had finally suceeded. By the age of 12 I was already using drugs and alcohol to cope with the chaos I was surrounded with. Growing up in this situation created so many insecurities and mental health issues in myself. I was never told what was going on in my house. My dad always just pretended everything was fine when she wasn't a mess and would work 16 hours days when she was a mess avoiding the scenario all together leaving me scared, unsafe, depressed and angry. The Typical Taboo conversation where lets just not talk about it. After the death of my mother I was sexually abused by an immediate family member who took advantage of me while I was under the influence of alcohol. This increased the substance abuse and I spent my entire school years using, marijuana, mushrooms, cocaine, ritalin, and alcohol to cope with the emotional pain and suffering I was going through.

I moved away from my home town after graduation and nothing got any better. I found better drugs like crack, meth and morphine that worked better for numbing the pain away. I spent years in this state with multiple attempts of suicude hoping with each time I got high that I would take enough to die. In and out of my one time I would show up to

therapy that was never easily accessible to me. Going to dry out to not have anywhere to place me and me leaving to only get high and never make it to any long term treatment facility. I was at the lowest point in my life. Then the miraculous day came where I woke up and with a feeling of surrender. I quit fighting everything that was killing me: the hurt, pain, anger, abuse, and the abandonment. I called my best friend and said I needed help and I asked if I could live with her and get sober. I got on a bus the same day and started my new life where drugs weren't going to be my means of coping. I chose not to be a product of my past and told myself I was deserving of a life worth living. I took the steps I knew I needed to get clean and don't get me wrong I fell off the wagon a few toomany times before I figured out everything.

Over the years I have done extensive amounts of therapy to better understand myself and how my upbringing impacts my relationship today. I learned that I have ADHD and anxiety and now I medicate for ADHD and use physical fitness to manage my anxiety along with meditation apps. I have learned to set healthy boundaries with myself and others. Today I choose to surround myself with individuals who will only lift me up. People who encourage me to be my best self and people who understand my past but don't manipulate or take advantage of my vulnerability. I am the proud mother of 2 beautiful teenage daughters who I have a great relationship with. One that is fueled on open communication no matter how bad I wish I didn't hear what they have to say sometimes. I raise them to know it's ok to say the hard stuff because when you can talk about the hard shit that's when growth happens.. I will never quit working on myself... Every day I become a better person that I love and that I am proud of and I'm not done achieving the many life goals I have set out for myself."

If this person's story resonates with you, please message us and we can put you in contact with this individual. You are not alone.

"I was born and raised in Medicine Hat, the middle daughter of 3. I grew up in an alcohol free home. I often heard stories of alcoholic relatives and was aware that alcoholism was in our family. From my very first memories as a young child I remember the constant feelings of loneliness and fear. Always wanting to be someone else, always wanting to feel different, never content and always comparing my insides to everyone's outsides. I was to the extreme quiet and shy but always seeking attention and approval. From a very young age I had suicidal thoughts. My brain never was quiet. I felt a prisoner in my own mind. Even the simplest things would happen and I would spend days if not months still thinking it over. I had my first drink at 12 years old and drinking became regular on weekends until graduation year. It felt a way to escape from reality, it blocked the thoughts for a while and took away the fears of living. But I never drank the way my friends did, I could never have just one and would wake up the next day with no recollection of the night before. I won awards for funniest person in grade 9 and grade 12. I never understood what they saw in me that I didn't. Alcohol made me everything I wanted to be funny, confident, social, until it stopped working.

At 18 I was married and and had my first daughter. I truly believed I had found my purpose, I felt it was who I was destined to be my whole life. I thought I had everything I ever wanted. 3 healthy beautiful daughters, the family home, nice vehicles, family vacations. Yet I still felt alone and very uncomfortable in my own skin. I made many visits to the Dr. office, I suffered from depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. My marriage ended after 15 years. As my daughters grew older I found I had more time to myself and continued on where I had left off in High-school. Alcohol once again made me more social, and gave me a sense of worth and belonging. I searched for myself in relationships with men, drugs, alcohol. What was just drinking on the weekends became daily and no matter how hard I tried I could not stop.

I tried just quitting drugs hoping that was my problem, I tried just beer for a while, then just wine, soon I couldn't leave the house or go to work because I knew I couldn't go long without a drink. Within 3 years I was a daily black out drunk. Waking up the next day full of guilt and shame. Terrorizing the lives of all those who cared and loved me. I became someone I could not control while drinking. I physically and mentally harmed my children, family and friends. I didn't want to live sober and I didn't want to live drunk anymore. The solution to my problems no longer worked. My daughters were saddened and scared so they made the decision to leave and go live with there dad. A recovered alcoholic friend reached out to me . I never knew there could be others out there that felt like I did, had thoughts like I did, and wanted to die just like I did. She first gave me hope by sharing her experience and then by taking me through the 12 step program of recovery. Today I am 20 months sober and will be forever indebted to the people that reached out to me. They showed me that I can make right the wrongs of my past and live free from the obsession I had. Today I know longer live in fear and live in the present. I want to be alive! Not all are fortunate live through this and I am very blessed to share my story with others that it may also give someone hope and a chance to ask for help."

If this person's story resonates with you, please message us and we can put you in contact with this individual. You are not alone.

Although my parents did the best they knew how, I learned at a very young age that Its not okay to be who I am. To express myself meant shaming, belittling, anger and hostility. It was quite confusing - I still don't understand why affection was always held from me but not my younger brother. u00a0 Throughout the years, I did everything I could to win over my parents and nothing changed. I did well in school, I worked part time, I graduated- moved out on my own. When my children were born, I got married. When my husband died- I got a university degree, I landed great jobs in the community, I made good money, raised two, well-adjusted children on my own and I have a very large social circle of close, loving friendships. I did all of this on my own- never asked for help as I thought being independent was a good thing.u00a0 After my brother died of a drug overdose, the relationship with my family became so hurtful and unhealthy and we have now been estranged for many years.u00a0

What my family and many of my friends did not know was the double life I had always been living. Since I was young, every free minute outside of my responsibilities I was drinking, using drugs, using people, using anything external to get outside of my busy, overactive brain.u00a0 My solution to every feeling that I felt was to have a drink or do drugs, or both. Bored-drink, insecure- drink beer. Happy- get wasted, stressed- smoke joints, anxious-hard alcohol, excited- blow, booze. Every social situation, funerals, weddings, birthday, holidays, Fridays, Saturdays.....eventually all of my friendships, hobbies, interests all revolved around drinking and drug use.u00a0

Throughout the past 18 years there were constant attempts at moderating, exploring other interests, counselling, journaling, reading books on self-growth, psychology and addiction courses, wellness courses, fitness challenges, diets, travel retreats, hanging out with nondrinkers and pretending to be interested. Nothing was exciting or felt right without drugs and alcohol taking me to the next level.u00a0u00a0u00a0

I was so incredibly sick and tired- exhausted and disgusted with who I was as a person. I felt so lost, so confused and couldn't understand why I hurt so many people and set myself back every time I was left to my own devices. Why did I hate myself so much?u00a0 My soul was screaming. My brain was fried.u00a0 I wanted more u2013 I knew there was more out there for me and I just couldn't seem to get it. In May 2018 I realized that I couldn't do this alone anymore. I asked for help. Since then my relationships are meaningful- healthy. My life has grown immensely. I am comfortable and proud of who I am.

If this person's story resonates with you, please message us and we can put you in contact with this individual. You are not alone.

"In 2018 I tried to kill myself. I can count on one hand the amount of people I've ever said that to, and I can promise you that I've never shared that with anyone while I was sober. It wasn't the first time I had thought about suicide and in fact I had thought it out over time. I had invested a lot of time into thoughts of why it needed to be done, how it needed to be done and had ultimately convinced myself that it was for the benefit of enough people that it was worth it.

One failed relationship after another largely in part to substance abuse and lack of self-care. I was acutely aware of the pain I had caused people so much so that I became unaware of just how much pain I was experiencing myself until it became too late.

To this day I don't know what prompted me to make a call to Edmonton from Halifax. I remember the call clearly though. JM is a dear friend of mine that I have always felt comfortable being vulnerable around. I still think about the things I said and the damage it caused to our friendship that day, but when she hung up the phone with me and called the RCMP I think she saved my life. If you're reading this I'm sorry and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so lucky to be able to share this message with anyone who wants to read it and without her it wouldn't be possible.

It took some time after that day to fully realize what I had narrowly avoided, and to be able to share my emotions with people who I didn't realize cared so much. They told me they did, but I didn't really realize it until I saw the look on their face when I told them. Its one of the great tragedies of my life that I doubted how much my close friends cared about me so much that I had to knock on death's door to see it for what it was. To them, I am also sorry, but owe them a great deal of thanks for helping me heal.

I had spent most of my life looking for some way to forget about the fact that I had grown up poor with very few friends. I was an outcast and over time learned to hate the world around me. This eventually turned in to anger toward everyone; my parents, the people around me, society. I thought what I needed was to be numb to it all. Rather than focusing my energy on resolving these thoughts I turned to alcohol and drugs to temporarily forget about them. What I didn't expect was that not processing these issues only brought them back stronger and more frequently when I wasn't under the influence. The more I used, the less I had to think about it. Concurrently though, more problems were popping up in my life. I wasn't paying my bills, I was being unfaithful and hurtful to my partners, I lost jobs, I lost friends and got a DUI. I didn't have an off switch anymore. I was so lost I didn't even remember where it all began anymore. Eventually over time I became depressed and lost my will to live.

Things began to change for me while I was in the military. I was still a functioning alcoholic and was dabbling in other things. This would ultimately lead to me getting out of the military but not before witnessing some life changing events. Watching my close friends who I often refer to as my brothers and sisters come home from overseas struggling to cope with depression and PTSD I began to look at ways I could help.

I left this career path and turned my focus to oil and gas where I've been lucky enough to find a great deal of success. I've spent the last eleven years on this journey in oil only to find myself still unfulfilled, and still struggling with addiction. Still constantly trying to repair the damages I have done to my once happy relationship with my partner who, for some reason, sees the good in me still and has come back to me time and time again, even though I push her away. She is my rock and I find inspiration through her daily.

Trying to kill myself was the most terrifying moment of my life, but it has taught me several things:

- I am loved

- I am not alone

- It is not worth it

Perhaps this isn't so much my story as it is my message, and my acknowledgement of the people that have helped and continue to help me along the way. You are not alone u2013 it is okay to need help sometimes."

If this person's story resonates with you, please message us and we can put you in contact with this individual. You are not alone.

"Growing up and only child in a home with an alcoholic mother and alcoholic father was at times very lonely, very scary and a whole lot chaotic. I remember very well how sad and scared I was. sitting in my room, in the dark... late at nite on school nites.. wishing they would turn down the music, or ask their friends to leave .. quit letting people in. It was party mode in my home every night of the week. Blaring music and a lot of booze. At the age of eight is when the first time my parents had asked me to join in .. in a way. Asked me to smoke a cigarette with them ,sitting on the couch. I lit the smoke and immediately started to cough. That was when I was first taught to inhale. Then came my very own glass of wine. And that was the beginning of a whole new world. From then on it was just the norm for me to smoke with them, drink with them and be part of the parties. As I got older, my friends would come over and be given alcohol and smokes .. my house was the party house. It was fun. Everyone was jealous of my life. I had no rules. None. By the time I was 14 I had used probably every drug you can think of. And I was hooked. I loved them all. One thing I always knew was that a drank and used differently then my friends. I would black out, make terrible choices , get arrested, got into many fights. Every single time I picked up that first drink... hell broke loose. I was just like them. I was just like my parents. Never had I seen them sober past 4 pm. Never. My mother would perform sexual acts with men openly in the home .. while my father was passed out from a booze coma. Men would be everywhere in my house. I spent most of my time with friends. Friends were my family. I couldn't get over how calm and at peace their homes were. But I was the girl, that no ones parents really liked their child to be with. I tried to spend most of my time away from my house. Away from my parents. The chaos was incredibly traumatic. One night at the age of 16 ,and another night of more heavy drinking my father and mother got into a pretty awful fight. My dad had found out my mom was sleeping with a 22 year old. He was wasted.. angry and already mentally sick. He grabbed a shot gun and in a split second pulled the trigger. And took his life. My life was never the same after that day. I left home. Fast forward more traumatic years of hard dark addiction. Got pregnant at 17 and ended up In a very abusive marriage. I was isolated, physically, sexually and emotionally abused. I was now living in a whole new nightmare. And. I was alone. I was caring for two small children. I drank and drank every day. To numb the pain. At that point I felt entitled to drink or use. I earned it. My life had been shit from birth. And that's all I thought I deserved. I had multiple suicide attempts. Some very serious ones. Some Overdoses, psych wards and rehabs. I just felt defeated. Drinking and drugging was my solution. My mother to this day, 37 years later is deeper and deeper into her disease of alcoholism and I'm everyday, every minute .. fighting to battle this demon that destroys and takes everything from you. There was no platform back then as a scared 14 year old girl. Or even 25 year old girl. Back then, I had no idea where to start, to even ask for help. I prayed everyday social services would come for me. Now there is. Don't feel alone. Not for one minute. Because someone, somewhere out there understands your pain. Today. I don't want to Kill myself. Today I don't want to drink. I am able to find peace and safety. I choose to be sober today so my family doesn't have to suffer that pain. I love them more then anything in this world. And sobriety allows me to keep them. My daughters and sons will never have to couch surf, or cry themselves to sleep, or be afraid to be at home. Share your story. You can save a life. Reach out. You can save your life."