Our Stories

"I grew up a teenage daughter of a mother who suffered from severe depression which resulted in an opioid addiction as a means of coping. This then resulted in the death of my mother after many attempts over the years of suicide she had finally suceeded. By the age of 12 I was already using drugs and alcohol to cope with the chaos I was surrounded with. Growing up in this situation created so many insecurities and mental health issues in myself. I was never told what was going on in my house. My dad always just pretended everything was fine when she wasn't a mess and would work 16 hours days when she was a mess avoiding the scenario all together leaving me scared, unsafe, depressed and angry. The Typical Taboo conversation where lets just not talk about it. After the death of my mother I was sexually abused by an immediate family member who took advantage of me while I was under the influence of alcohol. This increased the substance abuse and I spent my entire school years using, marijuana, mushrooms, cocaine, ritalin, and alcohol to cope with the emotional pain and suffering I was going through.

I moved away from my home town after graduation and nothing got any better. I found better drugs like crack, meth and morphine that worked better for numbing the pain away. I spent years in this state with multiple attempts of suicude hoping with each time I got high that I would take enough to die. In and out of my one time I would show up to

therapy that was never easily accessible to me. Going to dry out to not have anywhere to place me and me leaving to only get high and never make it to any long term treatment facility. I was at the lowest point in my life. Then the miraculous day came where I woke up and with a feeling of surrender. I quit fighting everything that was killing me: the hurt, pain, anger, abuse, and the abandonment. I called my best friend and said I needed help and I asked if I could live with her and get sober. I got on a bus the same day and started my new life where drugs weren't going to be my means of coping. I chose not to be a product of my past and told myself I was deserving of a life worth living. I took the steps I knew I needed to get clean and don't get me wrong I fell off the wagon a few toomany times before I figured out everything.

Over the years I have done extensive amounts of therapy to better understand myself and how my upbringing impacts my relationship today. I learned that I have ADHD and anxiety and now I medicate for ADHD and use physical fitness to manage my anxiety along with meditation apps. I have learned to set healthy boundaries with myself and others. Today I choose to surround myself with individuals who will only lift me up. People who encourage me to be my best self and people who understand my past but don't manipulate or take advantage of my vulnerability. I am the proud mother of 2 beautiful teenage daughters who I have a great relationship with. One that is fueled on open communication no matter how bad I wish I didn't hear what they have to say sometimes. I raise them to know it's ok to say the hard stuff because when you can talk about the hard shit that's when growth happens.. I will never quit working on myself... Every day I become a better person that I love and that I am proud of and I'm not done achieving the many life goals I have set out for myself."

If this person's story resonates with you, please message us and we can put you in contact with this individual. You are not alone.

"I am a 39-year-old partner, father, and a friend. Everyday I battle my anxiety, my depression, my post concussion syndrome, PTSD and a speech impediment. To deal with my mental health unwellness I had to step out of my comfort zone. I had to face my fears, my anxieties, my demons and all my darkness. My darkness is that voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough. It screams I'm not strong enough to overcome my past or deal with this rollercoaster we call life. It tells me I am not worthy of love and that I will never find forgiveness from my guilt and shame. Those things my darkness tries to make me believe are all lies. It's scary as hell, but I learnt I was not alone.

Growing up I never knew how to explain what was going on inside of me. I fought the darkness everyday with a sensitive soul, a troubled heart and an anxious mind. Childhood traumas plus a speech impediment left me with low self-esteem, unhealthy coping mechanisms and anger towards my Higher Power. I grew up playing team sports and had what seemed to be a normal life. But on the inside, I was hiding away so much pain. I felt alone surrounded by the people I tried to please and looked to for acceptance. Growing up mental health was a taboo topic. I had all these feelings inside of me and no idea how to communicate them. I internalized all these emotions for so many years because I did not know what depression and anxiety were. And back then I did not know my enemy, my darkness, or how to deal with it all.

The first time I thought of taking my life I was in grade 7. I had gotten off the bus filled with panic and fear. I got home, went downstairs, jumped in the shower and just cried. I did not want to be alive. I never wanted to go back to school or look any one in the eye again. I blamed God for my stutter and was mad at Him for many years. I did not want to face another day of feeling small and different. I hated going to school and I tried to hide in the back of the classroom. I dreaded reading out loud and when called upon to answer questions I wanted my world to end. I missed a lot of school because of my anxiety. It had me feeling physically ill. Some day's I would pretend to be sick because it was easier to be absent then to face the ridicule. Both teachers and kids found my speech impediment an easy target for jokes. All of these things led me to battle the thought of suicide through out junior high, high school and into adulthood. u200b

12 years ago, I was out checking cows and got bucked off my horse. I suffered a major concussion, a neck injury and a brain bleed. My mental, physical and spiritual health was tested. And unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough to cope in healthy ways. I struggled to numb the pain I felt with alcohol and pain killers. I was on low dose anti depressants for my migraines and brain pains. All the pills left me feeling groggy, foggy and nausea. I was left feeling more depressed and disconnected from my life and the world around me. The darkness began to become too much. Then 8 years ago I hit rock bottom. Bad life choices, migraines, random nerve pain and my depression left me hiding away in the basement. Isolating myself from my family seemed the easiest. It separated my darkness from my kids. I thought I was keeping them safe. Instead, I was only missing out on their lives. To this day I struggle to forgive myself for all the years I spent curled up on the couch. It was at this point I decided I needed to do something. It was very clear to me if I did not do something I would not be alive much longer. At first, I tried to do it on my own. So, I learnt about psychology, brain injuries, mental health and Buddha. I had too many sleepless nights battling insomnia. I spent that time reading, learning how to mediate, praying for answers and hoping for rest. I was trying to understand myself and what I was going through. Slowly I began to understand how my past vices, childhood traumas and the effects of 10 plus concussions were affecting the present day me. I had all this knowledge and philosophy up in my head but still I was struggling. It was at this point I decided to find a counselor. Speaking with a professional was the best thing I ever did for my mental health. It was hard and scary sharing my life and my past with a stranger. But there was something cathartic about sharing who I was, what I had been through and what I had over come with someone. You get to share your struggles, your traumas and your Light. It helped me to start putting my life into perspective. When I took the time to reflect on my life from a calm rational viewpoint, I began to see all the positive things in my life. And I started to see all the areas of myself i need to work on.

Until 2 years ago I had sworn off antidepressants. My negative first try left me jaded towards those capsules. But today I take my pills everyday and night, I see a psychologist, a psychiatrist, I try to have a healthy sleep routine and I have found my way back to the Cross. Recently I was diagnosed with ADHD. Imagine an early childhood diagnosis? The reason for my racing mind, my inability to focus at school and the poor impulsive decisions I made through out my life started to make sense. But all the pain and suffering have led me to learn, to grow and to view the world differently. We can allow all that pain and struggle to eat at our soul and make us hard. Or we can plant a seed in the tough crusted soil of torment and grow. We need to learn to be gentle with ourselves especially when we are hurting. We need to learn to be compassionate with our own thoughts. We need to find ways to challenge past traumas and we need ways to break negative thought patterns. Getting professional help, working on living a healthy lifestyle and finding our faith can help to promote positive self talk and create positive healthy tools to use against our darkness.

To live with anxiety is to live-in worry and fear of the future. What could or should go wrong will. Our anxiety has us in a constant state of uneasiness. We all have stress in our lives but when we get caught in the fight or flight mode our nervous systems get stuck in overdrive and our brains and bodies can react in negative ways. We can start to feel numb to the world around us or over stimulated. Our hearts and minds are constantly racing like we are being chased by a monster. Unfortunately, those monsters can be our own thoughts and our own actions. How do can we hide from ourselves? Our lives are meant to be lived in the present. When we live with depression we are living in the past with guilt and regret. A wise woman once told me regret and guilt are two useless emotions that only rob us of happiness in the now. We do not have a time machine to go back and change the past. We do not get to change our past traumas or take back the pain we may have caused others while we ourselves were hurting. We can try to seek forgiveness from others but may end up not receiving it. We may hope for apologies that never come. These are the natural consequence of our actions. However, we need to find positive ways to deal with these feelings and consequences. This is where forgiveness of self and empathy are needed. The only way I have been able to find peace with my past transgressions and let go of the guilt, regret and shame was to put my faith in Christ. But our ego, our demons and our darkness can eat away at our soul day by day. And soon we can define ourselves by our past transgressions. Our power to change the narrative of our past comes in how we reframe our experiences and emotions in those moments of trauma and in that pain. If we can rewrite our perspective, then we can begin to rewire our brains. If we can change the way we view a negative experience we can find some good and take back the power it holds over us.

When someone makes that choice too take their life all rational thought is gone. I have walked that line, and in that moment, you honestly believe that the world and your family would be better off with out you. Our darkness engulfs us, it lies to us, and the darkness drowns out our Light. It plays on our doubts, our demons and our fears. All we can feel is an emptiness and a hopelessness. All we can hear is a loud voice telling us that there is the only one way out. In a moment we can make that choice to end it all. But the truth is that its up to those of us who struggle to find the strength to ask for help. We must be the ones who take that first step. We all have the power in us to change our lives. Helping others and sharing our stories is not only cathartic but needed in order to heal. Do not be afraid to share your story or your struggle with others because you never know who might be listening in that moment. It might change a life, inspire someone out of darkness or give hope to the hopeless. Today when my anxiety and depression get the best of me, I turn inward. I remember all the times I have overcome negative thought patterns, the times I calmed my racing mind with mediation and spoke my truth knowing my faith would carry me through. I have learnt to create healthy relationships, let go of addictions and to use positive self talk when the loudest voice in my head tells me to give up. Being grateful for each day, each relationship and every mistake you have made helps us learn a lesson. Soon the voice of the darkness gets quitter, less aggressive and some days it is only a whisper. Today I know this world is a better place with me in it, my kids' lives are better because I am here, and I have found a healthy relationship that gives me strength when the darkness tries to knock me off the path I am on. In order to give ourselves the best tools, the best knowledge and the best armour to battle everyday, we need to take care of our physical health, our mental well-being and connect with our spiritual self. That might mean leaving a toxic relationship, setting strong boundaries with others or having a faith in a Higher Power. Let Go and Let God.u201d

If this person's story resonates with you, please message us and we can put you in contact with this individual. You are not alone.

"In 2018 I tried to kill myself. I can count on one hand the amount of people I've ever said that to, and I can promise you that I've never shared that with anyone while I was sober. It wasn't the first time I had thought about suicide and in fact I had thought it out over time. I had invested a lot of time into thoughts of why it needed to be done, how it needed to be done and had ultimately convinced myself that it was for the benefit of enough people that it was worth it.

One failed relationship after another largely in part to substance abuse and lack of self-care. I was acutely aware of the pain I had caused people so much so that I became unaware of just how much pain I was experiencing myself until it became too late.

To this day I don't know what prompted me to make a call to Edmonton from Halifax. I remember the call clearly though. JM is a dear friend of mine that I have always felt comfortable being vulnerable around. I still think about the things I said and the damage it caused to our friendship that day, but when she hung up the phone with me and called the RCMP I think she saved my life. If you're reading this I'm sorry and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so lucky to be able to share this message with anyone who wants to read it and without her it wouldn't be possible.

It took some time after that day to fully realize what I had narrowly avoided, and to be able to share my emotions with people who I didn't realize cared so much. They told me they did, but I didn't really realize it until I saw the look on their face when I told them. Its one of the great tragedies of my life that I doubted how much my close friends cared about me so much that I had to knock on death's door to see it for what it was. To them, I am also sorry, but owe them a great deal of thanks for helping me heal.

I had spent most of my life looking for some way to forget about the fact that I had grown up poor with very few friends. I was an outcast and over time learned to hate the world around me. This eventually turned in to anger toward everyone; my parents, the people around me, society. I thought what I needed was to be numb to it all. Rather than focusing my energy on resolving these thoughts I turned to alcohol and drugs to temporarily forget about them. What I didn't expect was that not processing these issues only brought them back stronger and more frequently when I wasn't under the influence. The more I used, the less I had to think about it. Concurrently though, more problems were popping up in my life. I wasn't paying my bills, I was being unfaithful and hurtful to my partners, I lost jobs, I lost friends and got a DUI. I didn't have an off switch anymore. I was so lost I didn't even remember where it all began anymore. Eventually over time I became depressed and lost my will to live.

Things began to change for me while I was in the military. I was still a functioning alcoholic and was dabbling in other things. This would ultimately lead to me getting out of the military but not before witnessing some life changing events. Watching my close friends who I often refer to as my brothers and sisters come home from overseas struggling to cope with depression and PTSD I began to look at ways I could help.

I left this career path and turned my focus to oil and gas where I've been lucky enough to find a great deal of success. I've spent the last eleven years on this journey in oil only to find myself still unfulfilled, and still struggling with addiction. Still constantly trying to repair the damages I have done to my once happy relationship with my partner who, for some reason, sees the good in me still and has come back to me time and time again, even though I push her away. She is my rock and I find inspiration through her daily.

Trying to kill myself was the most terrifying moment of my life, but it has taught me several things:

- I am loved

- I am not alone

- It is not worth it

Perhaps this isn't so much my story as it is my message, and my acknowledgement of the people that have helped and continue to help me along the way. You are not alone u2013 it is okay to need help sometimes."

If this person's story resonates with you, please message us and we can put you in contact with this individual. You are not alone.

We received this feedback after a listener explored Podcast Episode 12 of From Darkness to Life. After obtaining his consent, we wanted to share it. His feedback illustrates the power of shared experience. By these brave gentleman sharing their experience, it opened the door for someone else to share their own story.

‍Thank you for giving hope to the next person...

"Just finished listening to your last podcast Coping with Suicide and it really hit home for me. Being best friends with Nolan and Intek almost my whole life it was amazing to hear them open up about their journey and how they were able to cope with the loss of a loved one. Being so close with both of them, it was crazy to me how much I didn't know what they were going through. I was able to feel more connection through their stories than I thought I would. We all go through a big journey when we lose a loved one. Everyone copes with it a little bit differently.

When Mase passed away it took me a few days before it actually affected me.. I was living in Columbia, Missouri with my teammates that I only met around 6 months ago. I will never forget the initial call that I got from Rattai. It gives me chills and major emotions every time I talk about it or even tying this message. He was in Kentucky at the time and we talked a lot, mostly about baseball as we were both playing college ball at the time. But I was playing fortnite with roommates when he called me around 10:30. I answered the call and I straight up could not figure out whether he was laughing or crying (this is the first time I've ever heard Rat cry). He didn't say a word for about a minute which was when I could obviously sense something was wrong. He finally got around to telling me that Mase had passed away. All I remember saying is "what?" "What do you mean". Like it was so shocking to me that I wouldn't accept what he was telling me. We talked on the phone for about 30 minutes after just wondering where to go next. It was the hardest phone call I've had in my life..

The next couple of days it still didn't seem real I guess? I think it was because I was away from my family of friends so it didn't seem like it changed that much. Me and Mase were very close but we didn't text or Snapchat back and forth everyday. We would check in on each other a couple times a month but we always hung out in our friend group all the time during the summer when I was back or on Christmas breaks. So it really didn't hit me that he was gone until I flew home for his funeral. Seeing the boys and our group was amazing but everyone knew a piece was missing. And this is when it hit the hardest and still hits the hardest to this day. Just knowing he should be here and he's not.

There's so many memories flowing through me right now and that is what was so great about listening to your podcast. Listening to my best friends talk about how they got through it just reminds me about how I got through it. Sure, it still hurts to this day and I don't think that there will be a day that goes by it won't. But being around my friends and being with each other 100% helped the most. The year after he passed Rattai actually came to my school to play with me and we lived together which helped us cope through the struggle as we had each other to lean on and push through. I'm so happy we were able to do that because having Rat with me may have changed a dangerous outcome if I went back to school alone again.

So I just want to thank you guys for what you're doing for not only this community of Medicine Hat but for whoever around the world that listens to you guys. The thing I love most in your podcasts is there's no judgement and everyone comes in open minded and ready to speak about things that others are scared to talk about. This creates a norm that is neglected by most of society at this time. So once again, thank you for all that you guys do and for all the lives you have changed and/or saved."

Austin Schibler

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