Asking For Help is not Weakness
“In 2018 I tried to kill myself. I can count on one hand the amount of people I’ve ever said that to, and I can promise you that I’ve never shared that with anyone while I was sober. It wasn’t the first time I had thought about suicide and in fact I had thought it out over time. I had invested a lot of time into thoughts of why it needed to be done, how it needed to be done and had ultimately convinced myself that it was for the benefit of enough people that it was worth it.
One failed relationship after another largely in part to substance abuse and lack of self-care. I was acutely aware of the pain I had caused people so much so that I became unaware of just how much pain I was experiencing myself until it became too late.
To this day I don’t know what prompted me to make a call to Edmonton from Halifax. I remember the call clearly though. JM is a dear friend of mine that I have always felt comfortable being vulnerable around. I still think about the things I said and the damage it caused to our friendship that day, but when she hung up the phone with me and called the RCMP I think she saved my life. If you’re reading this I’m sorry and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so lucky to be able to share this message with anyone who wants to read it and without her it wouldn’t be possible.
It took some time after that day to fully realize what I had narrowly avoided, and to be able to share my emotions with people who I didn’t realize cared so much. They told me they did, but I didn’t really realize it until I saw the look on their face when I told them. Its one of the great tragedies of my life that I doubted how much my close friends cared about me so much that I had to knock on death’s door to see it for what it was. To them, I am also sorry, but owe them a great deal of thanks for helping me heal.
I had spent most of my life looking for some way to forget about the fact that I had grown up poor with very few friends. I was an outcast and over time learned to hate the world around me. This eventually turned in to anger toward everyone; my parents, the people around me, society. I thought what I needed was to be numb to it all. Rather than focusing my energy on resolving these thoughts I turned to alcohol and drugs to temporarily forget about them. What I didn’t expect was that not processing these issues only brought them back stronger and more frequently when I wasn’t under the influence. The more I used, the less I had to think about it. Concurrently though, more problems were popping up in my life. I wasn’t paying my bills, I was being unfaithful and hurtful to my partners, I lost jobs, I lost friends and got a DUI. I didn’t have an off switch anymore. I was so lost I didn’t even remember where it all began anymore. Eventually over time I became depressed and lost my will to live.
Things began to change for me while I was in the military. I was still a functioning alcoholic and was dabbling in other things. This would ultimately lead to me getting out of the military but not before witnessing some life changing events. Watching my close friends who I often refer to as my brothers and sisters come home from overseas struggling to cope with depression and PTSD I began to look at ways I could help.
I left this career path and turned my focus to oil and gas where I’ve been lucky enough to find a great deal of success. I’ve spent the last eleven years on this journey in oil only to find myself still unfulfilled, and still struggling with addiction. Still constantly trying to repair the damages I have done to my once happy relationship with my partner who, for some reason, sees the good in me still and has come back to me time and time again, even though I push her away. She is my rock and I find inspiration through her daily.
Trying to kill myself was the most terrifying moment of my life, but it has taught me several things:
- I am loved
- I am not alone
- It is not worth it
Perhaps this isn’t so much my story as it is my message, and my acknowledgement of the people that have helped and continue to help me along the way. You are not alone – it is okay to need help sometimes.”
If this person’s story resonates with you, please message us and we can put you in contact with this individual. You are not alone.